Yul Brenner – “Take your mustard, your ketchup, all your Ten Condiments, Moses, and get out of my delicatessen!”

Charlton Heston – “So let my check be written, so let it be paid.”

When I first started the Caveman Diet, I went through aisles and aisles of supermarkets searching for organic condiments.  Well, almost everything has added sea salt, and/or organic vinegar, or some kind of “organic” chemical as a preservative.  No good for the pure food theories of the Caveman Diet.  It looked like I was not only going to have to cook EVERY meal, but I was going to have to make it all the condiments from scratch too.

Now if eating a plain tomato for lunch is your idea of a Happy Meal, then by all means, don’t cook.  But being the foodie I am, I knew that just eating food as is will bore me quickly, and I will find myself at the all-you-can-eat pasta bar within days.  So I decided to search on-line for easy recipes to make simple condiments, like ketchup, mayo, etc, etc, etc (another quote from Yul Brenner).

But I did find one product that made my condiment cooking MUCH easier.  Ever strain a tomato?  Me neither.  Sounds way too involved for a lazy bastard like me.  But Whole Foods had jars of organic strained tomatoes from a brand called “bionaturae.”  Ingredients: Organic Strained Tomatoes.  That’s it.  NO SALT ADDED!  And, here’s the best thing, it’s made in Italy!  Anyone from Brooklyn can tell you the best tomatoes either come from Italy, or from your friend’s Italian grandmother’s tomato plant growing on her windowsill.  I have made all kinds of sauces with this, including marinara and bolognese (more on those in another blog).  The bottle says use it after 7 days of opening, but I’m telling you this stuff lasts a LONG time in the fridge (months), so you don’t have to use it right away.  They also have organic tomato paste without added salt, but Whole Foods Brands has it too at a cheaper price, so I bought that instead of the “bionaturae” brand. (EDIT: I’ve since learned that canned food leaches toxins, so I stopped buying Whole Foods brand tomato paste in a can, and pay the extra few cents and buy the bionature brand in a glass jar, plus, you can use the jar to hold the ketchup!)

So I attempted to make ketchup with my first meal (more on the meal in another blog about burgers).  Found this great website that had lots of paleo recipes (they’ve since taken it down, I guess they wrote a cookbook), and I adjusted to my personal taste.

CAVEMAN KETCHUP (ALL INGREDIENTS, ALL ORGANIC, ALL THE TIME):

1 small can (6 oz) tomato paste

6 oz strained tomatoes, adjust for desired thickness (I like my ketchup thick, like Heinz)

(EDIT FROM CAVEMAN OF THE FUTURE: For even more ketchupy thickness and taste, leave the strained tomatoes out altogether and just go with a base of tomato paste.  Just use some water to thin it out if you prefer.)

1/2 teaspoon of lemon juice (replacing the vinegar found in most ketchups)

1/2 teaspoon of honey (replacing the sugar found in most ketchups)

Garlic powder to taste

Onion powder to taste

Black Pepper to taste

Dill (fresh, if you have it)

A TOUCH of ground cloves (can be overpowering, I literally just put a tap of it in)

Ground Allspice to taste (a combo of nutmeg and cinnamon works just as well or better if you don’t have any allspice around)

(EDIT FROM CAVEMAN OF THE FUTURE: You can really never have enough spices in your ketchup.  Experiment, throw in some basil, cilantro, celery seed, naturally fermented salt-free sauerkraut, fresh & dry herbs, assorted spices, etc, it’ll only get better)

I simmer while making it (this helps melt the honey as well), and once I have the taste just right, I let it simmer for another 5 minutes or so, then turn off the heat and let it cool.  Then I transfer it to a mason jar type of thingy (told you I wasn’t a chef), and put it in the fridge. (EDIT FROM THE FUTURE: I just mix it all up raw without cooking it now)

This also lasts a LONG time!  But it’s so freakin’ good, you will find things to eat it with quickly.  It is the best ketchup I have ever had because it is the freshest by far (and probably the only homemade ketchup I’ve ever had).  Tell me, does this look like great ketchup or what?
Speaking of which, I have found other uses for it besides burgers, and meatloaf.  For instance, I use it in salad dressings and BBQ sauce.  But tonight, I’m going to grate fresh organic horseradish and mixing it into the ketchup to make Shrimp Cocktail Sauce!!!  Grate as much as your sinuses can stand, boil up some shrimp (just a few minutes until pink, and make sure they’re WILD caught, not farm raised), throw them into an ice bath to stop the cooking (yeah, that’s right, I watch the Food Network for tips, you gotta problem with that?), and chill until ready to eat!
Mmmm, Caveman like Shrimp cocktail!  Need napkin for loin cloth!!  Ugga-bugga!!
 
The Ten Condiments God Gave the Caveman from Mt. Sinai (actually just my ten most used):

Caveman Ketchup
Caveman Mustard (dry mustard, lemon juice, horseradish, water)
Paleo Mayo
Caveman Hot Sauce (see recipe page)
Garlic Powder
Onion Powder
Oregano
Black Pepper
Basil
Dill (great for adding that pickle flavor I miss so much since ditching salt, especially when combined with cucumber)